5 Things To Do With All That Extra Toilet Paper

The times they are a changin’.

Bob Dylan was right 50 years ago, and he is still right today. Times are changing. Things are happening so quickly, many of us are understandably stocking up on some of modern life’s more highly prioritized amenities. When all the chaos is over and everyone gets back to work, we will find themselves with a pile of things like hand sanitizer and toilet paper they hoarded. So what do we do with all of it? Here are five ideas on what to do with all that extra toilet paper we bought in a frenzy.

Be a Mummy For The Next 12 Halloweens

Boom, ready made costume, right there. You don’t have to go out to the temporary Halloween stores or anything, you can just wrap yourself or your kids up in the endless mounds of toilet paper you have sitting around, and off you go. You’ll wind up with all the candy in the friggin’ neighborhood every year till you run out of T. P.

Write Down Your Life’s Story

Well, maybe things don’t turn out so hot, in the end. Maybe it’s time to record your life’s story for future generations of archaeologists to decipher. And it’s not like you rushed out in a panic to buy a bunch of empty leather-bound journals. Use what you have. The tough part is going to be figuring out which writing implements will tear it the least.

Built A Fort

You didn’t run out and buy 300 pillows and 50 blankets, did you? No, you didn’t. That dream you had of making the ultimate pillow/blanket fort? It’s long gone. Say hello to T. P. forts! If we get enough people in on it, we can hold a social media contest from each of our little toilet paper castles. Winners could get a prize of some kind. Like food.

Open A Savings Account

The government is actually way more prepared for a crisis like this than we give them credit for. If things get really bad, there are safety mechanisms in place.

It turns out that the Federal Reserve is taking a leaf out of feudal Japan’s book, and is recognizing some of life’s essential commodities as a form of currency. Things like toilet paper will all be useable at the store like cash. Soon, the Federal Reserve will make a major announcement, enacting this new policy. Your toilet paper will then be considered absolutely legal tender anywhere in the world. I suggest you open up an account with Idaho Central Credit Union with your new fortune.

Submit It To A Museum

Ever seen that show, Mysteries at the Museum? They take some of the weirdest objects that are sitting in museums across the country and they tell the story behind the object. It used to be on Netflix, and is now only available for purchase on Amazon Prime, Hulu Live, and handful of other streaming services. I remember seeing an episode about shrunken heads, one about a street sign that was all scraped up from the collapsed bridge in Minnesota, and one about a purple cloth that belonged to William Henry Perkin, the man who accidentally discovered synthetic dye and formed a foundation for industries in chemistry and pharmaceuticals. Also, probably the fashion industry since he made all sorts of new colors of cloth available.

At least one of toilet paper mountains of the coronavirus scare of 2019-2020 needs to be saved and protected by the careful hands of the Smithsonian Institute. Your name could go down in history if you submit your extra toilet paper rolls to a museum to show future generations what happened here. 

Think of it: your T. P. collection could be held aloft in honor throughout the ages next to Abe Lincoln’s hat, and the Spirit of St. Louis.


Use It

I mean, if push comes to shove, you could just sit on it (no pun intended) and use it normally as time passes. You’ll not have to resupply for years. That’s pretty convenient, if you think about it.


When you Go! stock up on supplies, be courteous. We are all in this together, so think of your neighbors and we will all get through this and laugh about our hoarded toilet paper soon enough.

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Adam Brimhall

Adam Brimhall

An expert at going out.